5 Laws for Working With People Part 1
by Charles Carpenter
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Five Laws for Working with Others
Part one of two
The better I understand myself the better I can work with others. Understanding is the first step to working efficiently with others. From workplace employee management to personal relationships we can only strengthen our ability to communicate, work and live with others by trying to understand them. Author Stephen Covey makes this observation in his book “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People®.” The fifth habit states that you should first attempt to understand before demanding that you be understood. The problem with understanding is that all too often personal perception and opinion get in the way. Consider the age-old battle of the sexes. After years of deliberation, research and compromise do we really understand our differences any better? Some would debate the answer to this question and rightly so. It would seem that to understand our fellows is made improbable by our many differences. This is especially true when we spend our time focusing on the differences. So here we are going to focus on the things we hold in common.
There are five basic laws of human behavior that impact all of our working and personal relationships. None of us are exempt from these five basic laws. They are at the center of our reasoning, behavior and self image. They become foundational building blocks of all of our relationships.
All People Are Basically Self Preserving™ This is a powerful law of human behavior. It is best illustrated by the cute little puppy that couldn´t hurt a flea, yet when frightened and backed into a corner with no option for flight becomes a growling, snarling display of intimidating teeth, claws and furry. Have you ever seen a person respond in this way? You may have been surprised by such behavior if it was observed coming from an otherwise passive person. Even kind, caring, friendly people can respond with hostility or aggression when they are pushed, especially if they feel that their welfare is being threatened.
Practical Applications While this is a powerful law of human behavior most people live out this law with reserve and balance. Unfortunately you will probably cross paths with someone that is in some way emotionally unable to live in balance with this law. The following symptoms may indicate that a person is suffering some emotional handicap in this regard.
• Negativity • Cynical • Translate compliments into insults • Frequent outburst of hostility • Inability to trust
If you are observing the above symptoms, my advice is walk softly, consider your words carefully, and in the workplace document, document, document!
Be aware that when people are pushed to the edge of feeling threatened they experience a rush of adrenaline that can throw them from rational reasonable thinking into primitive survival thinking. In this primal state of mind a person may say the unexpected and respond in less than professional ways. You should make yourself familiar with the behavioral indicators that a person is in this state of mind or getting there:
• Irritability • Raised voice / talking rapidly • Interrupting you as you talk (if this is unusual to the person) • Silent starring • Fidgeting / pacing / trembling • Defensive communication • Blaming or negativity (if this is unusual to the person)
The best advice is to avoid the self preservation zone. Follow these suggestions to spend less time in the zone:
• Keep a positive attitude • Praise and affirm people often (see “Powerful Praise” article www.SuccessSolutionsGroup.com) • Use diplomacy • Ask more than you tell • Keep people informed • Be fair, honest and supportive At All Times • Reward performance • Keep communication open
If you find that you are in the zone with a person, hope is not lost. With some honest effort, diplomacy and patience you can move back into the safe zone.
If the person is heated or borderline hostile, back up, recognize any mistakes, make apologies if needed and try to defuse the situation. It may sound something like this, “Pamela, I feel like I am making you feel frustrated, I am not communicating clearly and I apologize, let me explain how this performance improvement plan can help you with your long-term career goals here.”
If you can not identify any mistakes you have made and you are certain no apologies are in order, consider that there may be an external source of irritation. Recognize that you are aware that you don´t have the person´s full attention and give them space, aware that they will be easier to manage when they are less distracted. You may sound something like this, “Paul you seem to be a bit irritated and distracted, if I can help you with something that is bothering you, it would be my pleasure, and we could review these reports at another time. Would that be better for you?”
All People Have a Strong Need for Community and To Feel They Are a Valued Part™
While the law of self preservation is powerful it seems to come second to this law of community. Consider the soldier that has made it safe into the trenches only to look back and find that a comrade is down, with a rush he charges from the safety of the trenches risking his own life to save the life of another. This type of reaction is a response to the law of community.
While the law of community seems to be greater and more powerful than the law of self preservation, in reality it is born out of our need for self preservation. This leads us to understand why individuals can become aggressive or even hostile when their sense of self-worth or community reputation is put at risk or not taken seriously. Research clearly indicates that there seems to be a strong connection between community isolation or rejection and outbursts of violence. Basically people need to feel that they fit in and belong and that they are recognized and appreciated.
Practical Applications In a workplace environment where communication is limited to reprimands, formal performance evaluations and requests there is an obvious increase of conflict and hostility. Performance usually suffers as well. When people are not informed, recognized and confirmed they become uncertain. They begin questioning their own sense of worth and belonging as well as their job security. When there is uncertainty employees tend to stand around and do nothing, or they start trying to fix themselves, often fixing the wrong things. To eliminate and avoid uncertainty make consistent feedback a habit. Employees need to hear and or know the following:
• That their performance meets your expectations • That their unique strengths are recognize • That their attempts to grow and improve are recognized • That you´re concerned about them • That you support them • That they are informed about important issues
Make feedback a work habit. Try scheduling a time every day to get out of your office and walk among your employees. Spend this time trying to catch them doing well. Give achievers and those making marked improvement the proverbial pat on the back. This is not to say that negative feedback should be avoided. Quiet the contrary. You will find that when you do have bad news people will respond more positively if you have been consistently positive. You are not seen as a tyrant. Try the following suggestions to make your feed back more effective.
When Praising… • Be prompt. • Be specific. (Avoid generalizations like, “You did a great job.”) • Be honest. • Be sincere. (Stand still and take at least one minute to share the praise. Make eye contact.) • Avoid flattery. • Give special effort to identify strengths unique to the individual.
When News is Bad… • Make sure the information is relevant to the individual • Chose an appropriate setting. • Be solution oriented. • Take time to listen. • Avoid the lecture. • Be honest and thorough.
One sided communication does not contribute to a sense of community or personal self worth. It is so important that in all of your efforts to communicate you do not frustrate the others involved by monopolizing the conversations. Be a listener. One of the top three complaints in the workplace is, “nobody listens.” When people feel they are not heard they feel they are not valued. This leads to uncertainty, unhealthy assumptions and often negativity.
If you do not already have an open door policy, establish open door hours. I think that an open all hours, open door policy is best, but it isn´t always practical. The important point is to make yourself available and approachable. Keep in mind also that you may have an open door policy but a closed mind. If employees get the idea that you don´t really listen or take them seriously they will stop communicating and the sense of community will erode leading to negativity, lack of commitment and lower performance.
Finally, it is critical that everyone in your work environment share your vision for a strong sense of community. Talk about the value of this principal and the power of this law of human behavior. Talk, encourage and exemplify peer support. Encourage open communication. Provide diversity training. Use team terms like, us, we, our and all. Do team building exercises and brainstorm and plan as a team. The more involvement you facilitate the stronger your team will become. This leads us to identify our third law of human behavior.
Charles Carpenter is a nationally recognized leadership expert. He received leadership and communication training from the prestigious Rockhurst University. In recent years he has trained and coached executives from numerous Fortune 500 companies and shared his leadership insight with thousands through public seminars, conferences and keynotes and is the president of Success Solutions Group. Charles may be reached at 1.937.935.6789
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Written by: Charles Carpenter
The author may be contacted at http://www.successsolutionsgroup.com charles@successsolutionsgroup.com.
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